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19th Oct, 2012

(no subject)

Im finally there.
Im happy again.

15th Apr, 2012

THIS IS IT

IVE WASTED YEAR OF MY FCUKING LIFE STILL BEING I LOVE WITH MIKE AND NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I CRY, NO MATTER HOW DRUNK I GET I. JUST.CANT. STOP.

WELL THATS IT. IM ABSOLUTELY DONE WITH IT NOW. IM NOT A PART OF HIS LIFE ANYMORE IM JUST A MEMORY AND FROM NOW ON THATS ALL HE IS TOO ME.

THE FACT THAT LITTLE MISS PERFECT NEW GF WORKS IN ZARA TOO HAS JUST TIPPED ME OVER THE EDGE. SHE IS EVERYTHING I EVER WASNT TO HIM.

GOODLUCK BLAH BLAH BLAH HOPE THEYRE HAPPY.

I . AM. MOVING. ON.

A WHOLE YEAR WASTED. ALL THAT HEARTACHE AND SADNESS FOT WHAT???

NOTHING, EXACTLY.

IF I DELETE HIM OFF FACEBOOK, AS INSIGNIFICANT AS THAT MAYBE TO OTHER IM ACKNOLEDGING THE FACT HE IS NO LONGER IN MY LIFE. AND THAT MEANS ALOT TO ME.

I CANT GO ON LIVING WHILST CLINGING ON TO THE TINIEST THINGS THAT KEEP MIKE IN MY LIFE.

ITS NOT FAIR.

I HAVE MY WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME AND ITS TOO FUCKING SHORT TO WASTE IT.

MEMORIES ARE MEMORIES FOR A REASON I,E, THEY STAY IN THE PAST.

SO GOODBYE, FAREWWELL, OFF TO GREENER PASTURES.

BECASE IF I THINK FOOR ONE SECOND THAT IVE MISSED AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE HAPPY AGAIN BECAUSE IVE BEEN THINKING HOW I STILL LOVED MIKE AND ITS PREVENTED ME FROM PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE AGAIN THEN I ILL NOT FORGIVE MYSELF.

THIS TIME NEXT YEAR, THINGS WILL BE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

WATCH THIS SPACE.

19th Mar, 2012

(no subject)

slowly does it...

28th Feb, 2012

when it rains, it pours.

February was a hard month as was expected.
bad things come in threes : valentines day, anniversary and birthday.

Im stuck in limbo.

Im nowhere near as a wreck as i was in October. Theres no more smoking, no more drugs, no more meaningless flings. I feel ive crawled out of that cocoon.

Im not the butterfly yet though. The dark thoughts are still there even if the follow up isnt. Im trying so hard not to slip back. But this month has pushed me to my limits.

Everthing is piling up with mums crash and my sleeping and mike i feel burried in this rut

And while i do have more good days then any other kind, it is everyday without fail that i think abut mike.

And ive put off writing here for a while. Almost trying to hide the fact and not accept that i do feel that way.

Its harder with Ben being at uni, it is like a constant reminder of our relationship. sometimes its nice. other times, not so much.

Everyday is a constant battle of 'I wonder what things would be like now if we were still together, at different unis, making long distance work, both 19 now, both changing but together.' 'Other times i wonder what things would be like if we got back together after a year of being apart how diferent things would be and if wed notice a dramatic change in ourselves.' and then theres the voice. The voice that says 'all this is irrelevant lorna. he doesnt love you.'

and with that comes the twinge of familiar heartache.

I know i wont love him forever. and ssometimes i hope im confusing the idea of being in love wit him still with the longing and cuiousness of what things would be like now.

Its like a slow self torture. just like throwing myself at those guys was a desperate cry to cling onto any scrap of feeling wanted, of feeling loved, of feeling attractive, that i could. I only felt used.
and worse if id have slept with them. atleast that was one moral that i never abandoned.
but sex with anyone else right now couldnt feel more alien and unwanted.

The tears are still there. staining my bed sheets every now and then. Blurring my vision and stopping me from seeing anything further then the pile of tissues infront of me and photographs on my facebook. the few tagged photos i left on there of us. and Spain of course...

'After the darkness comes sunrise'

i got through the first part. of feeling so utterly destroyed and stripped down to my very core that i thought id never be able to heal and rebuild myself enough to carry on with life.
but somehow i did. somehow i managed to pull myself out of bed each day. shake off the hauting memories of that night and with each new day a tiny piece of me returned.

part two is proving harder. beieving that there is another love out there for me, maybe even better then mike is something i just cant grasp yet.

ive had relationship offers, i could have had sex with guys that could have turned into something other then a one night stand but i just. cant. see. past. this. wall.

and it is this wall that is stopping me from venturing into a new relationship.
im trapped behind it surrounded by the fear and insecurities that haunt me and i cant get rid of them yet.

maybe im not ready? maybe with time?

there my only guesses at the moment.

but i think until im able to find someone else attractive and open up myself to someone new and be vulnerable with taht person, i dont think ill be in a relationship any time soon.

makes me think that mike must have not been in love with me for quite a while before actually having thee guts to dump me seeing as it took him what seemed like a heartbeat to be with someone else.

or maybe thats just what my broken heart wants to believe.
my head would like to think that the two are not connected.

only mike knows i guess,

15th Feb, 2012

(no subject)

ummmm

2 years today.

hmmm.

















fuck</3

11th Jan, 2012

LIFE

'what do you want to be when youre older?'

i keep hearing this question ALOT.
its a very annoying one
because i always respond with the same answer.

'I don't know really i havent decided'

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

oh god. how am i suppose to decide what i want to do with the rest of my life?

im doing a degree in drama and english.

i love them both.
but it just so damn competitive.
everywhere you look there is competition. someone always treat to beat you and be better then you. i know theyre careers that alot of people want and there is no guarantee at all that you'll be successful...
so why bother?

i know everyone says if you really want something you'll do anything to achieve and yes whilst that is true you have to realise that everyone else is doing te same thing. fighting to get to the top.

'take the criticism and rejection, its part of the job'

yeah but its probably part of the job thats going to destroy me. im not thick skinned at all and i neeed to be.

if i want to be an actress or director or writer or go into stage management or theatre i have to be able to take rejection because nothing is going to be handed to me on a plate.

i just dont know if im going to be able to. im too put off easily.

i feel like ive limited myself by just doing drama at uni. in an audition, between two remaining candidates, one who is at derby university doing drama and the other who is at a drama school in london studying acing... who do you think theyll pick?

urgh,

what amm i going to do?

recently ive said that i dont need a high powered career like i use to want. i just want to be happy and to be able to afford the things i want in life. not endless amount os money, just enough to be comfotable.
i want a family and to be happy. thats all i want.
my career will be what makes me happy, not what will get me to the top.

thats what i want to be when im older.

9th Jan, 2012

dear god,

let me get past february in one piece.

1st Nov, 2011

he doesnt know the tears fall at night

My three words have two meanings,
There's one thing on my mind
It's all for you

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love
I'll pick you up when you're getting down
And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind

And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before
And I'll surrender up my heart
And swap it for yours

And if it's dark in a cold December, but I've got ya to keep me warm
And if you're broken I'll mend ya and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on

looking In the mirror

i dont even recognise the person ive become anymore.

I want the past back so bad.

I want when things were simple, when i was happy, young and free.

Who the fuck is this.

Im ashamed.

I need someone to pull me back or tell me that its okay to be like this now,

I need comfort and to not feel so lost anymore.

27th Oct, 2011

did you know...

that its been over six months?

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