February was a hard month as was expected.
bad things come in threes : valentines day, anniversary and birthday.
Im stuck in limbo.
Im nowhere near as a wreck as i was in October. Theres no more smoking, no more drugs, no more meaningless flings. I feel ive crawled out of that cocoon.
Im not the butterfly yet though. The dark thoughts are still there even if the follow up isnt. Im trying so hard not to slip back. But this month has pushed me to my limits.
Everthing is piling up with mums crash and my sleeping and mike i feel burried in this rut
And while i do have more good days then any other kind, it is everyday without fail that i think abut mike.
And ive put off writing here for a while. Almost trying to hide the fact and not accept that i do feel that way.
Its harder with Ben being at uni, it is like a constant reminder of our relationship. sometimes its nice. other times, not so much.
Everyday is a constant battle of 'I wonder what things would be like now if we were still together, at different unis, making long distance work, both 19 now, both changing but together.' 'Other times i wonder what things would be like if we got back together after a year of being apart how diferent things would be and if wed notice a dramatic change in ourselves.' and then theres the voice. The voice that says 'all this is irrelevant lorna. he doesnt love you.'
and with that comes the twinge of familiar heartache.
I know i wont love him forever. and ssometimes i hope im confusing the idea of being in love wit him still with the longing and cuiousness of what things would be like now.
Its like a slow self torture. just like throwing myself at those guys was a desperate cry to cling onto any scrap of feeling wanted, of feeling loved, of feeling attractive, that i could. I only felt used.
and worse if id have slept with them. atleast that was one moral that i never abandoned.
but sex with anyone else right now couldnt feel more alien and unwanted.
The tears are still there. staining my bed sheets every now and then. Blurring my vision and stopping me from seeing anything further then the pile of tissues infront of me and photographs on my facebook. the few tagged photos i left on there of us. and Spain of course...
'After the darkness comes sunrise'
i got through the first part. of feeling so utterly destroyed and stripped down to my very core that i thought id never be able to heal and rebuild myself enough to carry on with life.
but somehow i did. somehow i managed to pull myself out of bed each day. shake off the hauting memories of that night and with each new day a tiny piece of me returned.
part two is proving harder. beieving that there is another love out there for me, maybe even better then mike is something i just cant grasp yet.
ive had relationship offers, i could have had sex with guys that could have turned into something other then a one night stand but i just. cant. see. past. this. wall.
and it is this wall that is stopping me from venturing into a new relationship.
im trapped behind it surrounded by the fear and insecurities that haunt me and i cant get rid of them yet.
maybe im not ready? maybe with time?
there my only guesses at the moment.
but i think until im able to find someone else attractive and open up myself to someone new and be vulnerable with taht person, i dont think ill be in a relationship any time soon.
makes me think that mike must have not been in love with me for quite a while before actually having thee guts to dump me seeing as it took him what seemed like a heartbeat to be with someone else.
or maybe thats just what my broken heart wants to believe.
my head would like to think that the two are not connected.
only mike knows i guess,